Chaotic Minerva

मुझे तुम नज़र से गिरा तो रहे हो मुझे तुम कभी भी भुला ना सकोगे ना जाने मुझे क्यों यक़ीं हो चलाअ है मेरे प्यार को तुम मिटा ना सकोगे मेरी याद होगी, जिधर जाओगे तुम, कभी नग़मा बन के, कभी बन के आँसू तड़पता मुझे हर तरफ़ पाओगे तुम शमा जो जलायी मेरी वफ़ा ने बुझाना भी चाहो, बुझाअ ना सकोगे कभी नाम बातों में आया जो मेरा तो बेचैन हो-हो के दिल थाम लोगे निगाहों पे छायेगा ग़म का अंधेरा किसी ने जो पूछा, सबब आँसुओं का बताना भी चाहो, बता ना सकोगे मेरे दिल की धड़्कन बनी हैइ जो शोला सुलगते हैं अरमाँ, यूँ बन-बन के आँसू कभी तो तुम्हें भी ये अहसास होगा मगर हम ना होंगे, तेरी ज़िन्दगी में बुलाना भी चाहो, बुला ना सकोगे

So how much sad did you think I had, Did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I'd go? Before I'd self-implode Before I'd have to go be free You swore that you loved me but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days And I'm just getting color back into my face I'm just mad as hell cause I loved this place For so long Had a good run A moment of warm sun But I'm not the one I know we won't wait  but I'm going to grow up and come find you so long, love of my life

the car slowly got smaller and faded into nothingness, as my heart was sinking  the best four days ever came to an end. i guess this is what happens when you love someone, and they're not always around our lives are centered around 'when are we meeting next' the longing and the anticipation- most days exciting, some days frustrating  and when the time finally came, nothing else mattered nothing. his arms became my home for those four days, something we yearned for months, brightened up my soul like some weird neural signal  and suddenly, as the car disappeared, this feeling of emptiness dawned upon me: "i feel like, half my heart was just ripped out of my body without my permission and i feel tears trickling down my cheek which are full of memories from a love story to last a lifetime, once again holy shit, is that what it means when people say their soulmate completes them?" because i would do anything ANYTHING to stare at those beautiful brown eyes   to rest m...

There's a boy. In the past 3 years, he has made me feel everything a girl could possibly feel: happiness, endearment, security, sadness, frustration, comfort. I ended with comfort because the thought of him still gives me utmost comfort. Being with him taught me so much about love and companionship. I realized that it's not all about compromise, it's an act of sharing; sharing opinions, sharing values.  It almost feels like he has occupied a hundred percent of my heart, and my heart keeps growing with fondness everyday to take up more space in my body; that's how I feel when I think about him not being in my life at the moment and heave that heavy sigh of helplessness. Geographical distance made us end up where we are today and every passing day with the thought of him is difficult.  He's made me feel the butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of love, the background-music kind of love. I look at him and I know- I want to be wearing his ring on my finger forever, no matter ...

It's the first day of a brand new year. Started off in the rockiest way possible, but I wanted to take a peek at my slightly younger self by the end of the day, to look for something that I eventually ended up finding. Not too young, just me from two years ago. Broken heart, learning to live with herself, struggling with growth and prosperity. All I needed reassurance for was that these things will come and go and at the end, you could just look back at it and take a laugh. Just like me reading my older posts right now. This year, I ask for the strength of mind to say what I have in my mind.

Fear. Fear of fear. Fear of being feared. It's powerful (understatement). However, when you do overpower your own fear (or even try to), you are a true warrior, buddy. "I'm in love, but now I'm scared" "Scared of what?" "Of losing my significant other" This monologue has played in my mind throughout (ugh). Now basically, when you're loved immensely, you never question whether you deserve it or why you're even receiving that love. On the other hand, when you're hurt you immediately think that what's happening isn't right. Strange.

To be very honest, I don't know what this feeling is- the feeling I'm feeling off lately. I feel angry, lonely, helpless and boredom adds on to all of it. You know the well known advice slash statement, "You learn from your mistakes?" Well, I rarely learn from mine. I've always successfully ruined my piece of mind by two things- keeping expectations and overthinking. Recently, I've been doing both together; double trouble time! I, am fucked. Really. Sometimes I let my thoughts overpower me so much that I can't get myself to stability. I really wonder how I managed to study for my half yearly exams this time, amidst the flood of billions of things running in my mind. But whenever they did run in my mind, something that really got me to study was thinking about my better half. Every time a thought troubled me, I was say to myself, "he must be studying, you should too." Yes, that's weird. See, thing is, I'm very competitive. Doesn't ma...

On attaining adolescence, the body and the mental state of people goes through certain changes. That's it. That's all that the textbooks in India teach children when they step into a brand-new phase of their lives: a phase of emotional instability where they need knowledge. In order to make suitable decisions based on their sexuality and to fulfil their new-fangled desires, they need legitimate sex education. We have now come to a point where people chose to cater to their sexual desires. Sex, for Indians, is treated as no more just a means of reproduction, a taboo since the 19th century. I (another teenager who has certain desires as an adolescent) was never provided with sex education— similar to most Indian teenagers today. Like almost everybody else, I attained my knowledge about sex and sexual urges through the web, and of course, through “hush-hush” discussions with peers. Naturally, the more something is hidden and concealed, the more exciting it seems. My parents were...

It's like the never ending spiral. Because guess what, fear is the biggest fear? I feel terrible, I just don't comprehend why. Me 4 months ago v/s me now isn't even me. (Wait, did that make sense?) HOLD ON, WHO AM I? All I know is, I need someone who would listen to me, who would just be there. Things have changed. I can't go to anyone anymore just out-of-the-blue bringing in my life's issues. It all happened so quick, part by part resulting in this jumbo anxiety , yes. Started off by me going through a bad phase for almost two months till the end of last month (what is this, my diagnosis slip?), continued by my foot buzzing like never before followed by my palms sweating terribly when I'm afraid of I-don't-know-what followed by my digging my nails into my palms when I get a panic attack, usually at school followed by a buttilion more things. I don't know what I'm really fearing, I just know what the possibilities are. So if someone would ask...

My right toe's been buzzing like there's a cell phone embedded in it on the vibration mode. Apparently, it's something called pallesthesia and happens due to over stressing yourself. I took a 3 hour nap to this piece of information. Funny, I was relieved to see the reason at least. And oh my, now I really want to go back to where I've migrated from. I can't stand this place, the people anymore. Waking up to nightmares isn't normal for me! Like this one, a few weeks ago: My physics tuition teacher comes in, to teach me music . I guess that's how much I miss my music classes. My mother, and my maternal grandfather are getting ready to welcome guests into the house (complicated, yet weird). They come in and my mother says "Sir just give us a few minutes before you start with the classes, a few guests have just come." I'm lying down on my bed. She sits in front of me and places her hand on my face thinking it's the bed, pressing m...

I've been quite late in even realizing the most basic things life has to offer me. Until a few weeks ago, a majority of the significant events were followed by me cribbing about them. However, I've been taught to get past all of it. As recent as last night, I screwed a great day up. Now there's this guilt building up (wow, is that new?) and that reminds me; I sometimes laugh over how I handle my bad-guilt-filled-days. So after I realized I screwed something up, well it was already bed time so I got under my blankets without even brushing my teeth or doing the rest, more like I wanted to escape from the gigantic waves of guilt gushing all the way down my heart. I woke up today finding myself to be at the worst state of mind (which is completely the opposite of what I was expecting) and now there's n o t h i n g I can do about it. Oh adrenaline, screw you. Nonetheless, I think I'm quite elated. Not for screwing up, but for myself, for the people around me and for ...

"The worst part of being truly alone is you think about all the times you wished that everyone would just leave you be. Then they do, and you are left being, and you turn out to be terrible company."                                                     ~John Green Everyday disappointments, tears on the way back home from school and gloom- it's now a routine. I lost parts of myself that I never realized were valuable; at least to me. Now that solitude has the throne of my mind, I decided to try to get those parts back. Started off with menial things like reading, which turned out to be bliss . The last book I read was The Martian for the umpteenth time, last December. I came across Turtles All The Way Down by John Green last week in the school library and I brought back the bookworm me from months ago. I am in complete awe of this book. Aza Holmes, th...

We always try to make sure that our weaknesses aren't displayed to others, but some way or the other they just get revealed and make us regret on our actions. According to me, the biggest weakness ever and the most difficult task as well- is to keep our calm. Why do you think then, that anger management is such an important aspect when it comes to personality grooming? I adore those who are able to do it with great ease. However, it isn't easy for everyone. When you lose your calm in front of someone else, the situation gets super awkward and this some time even ruins relationships, take it from me; a careless, short tempered person. I hardly think about the other persons' point of view or the repercussions of my actions. It gets so difficult to accept an action of someone else that you wouldn't like, which leads to loss of temper; atleast for me . And what happens then? The other person just gets to see a side of yours that you definitely wouldn't like to dis...

It's funny how everyone around me manages to keep things to themselves and never express because hey, they don't want you to judge them on what their "real" self would be like. Keep in mind: I'm not denying the fact that we don't have different sides to our personalities and would definitely not want others to know what our sides are.  Why am I oppressing something that is natural to a lot of people? Well, I always lived in an environment where secrets never existed, that's super obvious when you're around people you grew up with. Having migrated to another place five months ago, I see a different side of the world- different perspectives. It doesn't serve me any good. It's like a meek cat being introduced to a pack of lions- it's the same family, yet very different in features and behavior. In the past five months, I've seen people having low self esteem- those who want to change themselves to probably be in the good books of the...