Chaotic Minerva

There's a boy. In the past 3 years, he has made me feel everything a girl could possibly feel: happiness, endearment, security, sadness, frustration, comfort. I ended with comfort because the thought of him still gives me utmost comfort. Being with him taught me so much about love and companionship. I realized that it's not all about compromise, it's an act of sharing; sharing opinions, sharing values.  It almost feels like he has occupied a hundred percent of my heart, and my heart keeps growing with fondness everyday to take up more space in my body; that's how I feel when I think about him not being in my life at the moment and heave that heavy sigh of helplessness. Geographical distance made us end up where we are today and every passing day with the thought of him is difficult.  He's made me feel the butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of love, the background-music kind of love. I look at him and I know- I want to be wearing his ring on my finger forever, no matter ...

It's the first day of a brand new year. Started off in the rockiest way possible, but I wanted to take a peek at my slightly younger self by the end of the day, to look for something that I eventually ended up finding. Not too young, just me from two years ago. Broken heart, learning to live with herself, struggling with growth and prosperity. All I needed reassurance for was that these things will come and go and at the end, you could just look back at it and take a laugh. Just like me reading my older posts right now. This year, I ask for the strength of mind to say what I have in my mind.

Fear. Fear of fear. Fear of being feared. It's powerful (understatement). However, when you do overpower your own fear (or even try to), you are a true warrior, buddy. "I'm in love, but now I'm scared" "Scared of what?" "Of losing my significant other" This monologue has played in my mind throughout (ugh). Now basically, when you're loved immensely, you never question whether you deserve it or why you're even receiving that love. On the other hand, when you're hurt you immediately think that what's happening isn't right. Strange.

To be very honest, I don't know what this feeling is- the feeling I'm feeling off lately. I feel angry, lonely, helpless and boredom adds on to all of it. You know the well known advice slash statement, "You learn from your mistakes?" Well, I rarely learn from mine. I've always successfully ruined my piece of mind by two things- keeping expectations and overthinking. Recently, I've been doing both together; double trouble time! I, am fucked. Really. Sometimes I let my thoughts overpower me so much that I can't get myself to stability. I really wonder how I managed to study for my half yearly exams this time, amidst the flood of billions of things running in my mind. But whenever they did run in my mind, something that really got me to study was thinking about my better half. Every time a thought troubled me, I was say to myself, "he must be studying, you should too." Yes, that's weird. See, thing is, I'm very competitive. Doesn't ma...

On attaining adolescence, the body and the mental state of people goes through certain changes. That's it. That's all that the textbooks in India teach children when they step into a brand-new phase of their lives: a phase of emotional instability where they need knowledge. In order to make suitable decisions based on their sexuality and to fulfil their new-fangled desires, they need legitimate sex education. We have now come to a point where people chose to cater to their sexual desires. Sex, for Indians, is treated as no more just a means of reproduction, a taboo since the 19th century. I (another teenager who has certain desires as an adolescent) was never provided with sex education— similar to most Indian teenagers today. Like almost everybody else, I attained my knowledge about sex and sexual urges through the web, and of course, through “hush-hush” discussions with peers. Naturally, the more something is hidden and concealed, the more exciting it seems. My parents were...

It's like the never ending spiral. Because guess what, fear is the biggest fear? I feel terrible, I just don't comprehend why. Me 4 months ago v/s me now isn't even me. (Wait, did that make sense?) HOLD ON, WHO AM I? All I know is, I need someone who would listen to me, who would just be there. Things have changed. I can't go to anyone anymore just out-of-the-blue bringing in my life's issues. It all happened so quick, part by part resulting in this jumbo anxiety , yes. Started off by me going through a bad phase for almost two months till the end of last month (what is this, my diagnosis slip?), continued by my foot buzzing like never before followed by my palms sweating terribly when I'm afraid of I-don't-know-what followed by my digging my nails into my palms when I get a panic attack, usually at school followed by a buttilion more things. I don't know what I'm really fearing, I just know what the possibilities are. So if someone would ask...

My right toe's been buzzing like there's a cell phone embedded in it on the vibration mode. Apparently, it's something called pallesthesia and happens due to over stressing yourself. I took a 3 hour nap to this piece of information. Funny, I was relieved to see the reason at least. And oh my, now I really want to go back to where I've migrated from. I can't stand this place, the people anymore. Waking up to nightmares isn't normal for me! Like this one, a few weeks ago: My physics tuition teacher comes in, to teach me music . I guess that's how much I miss my music classes. My mother, and my maternal grandfather are getting ready to welcome guests into the house (complicated, yet weird). They come in and my mother says "Sir just give us a few minutes before you start with the classes, a few guests have just come." I'm lying down on my bed. She sits in front of me and places her hand on my face thinking it's the bed, pressing m...