Chaotic Minerva

On attaining adolescence, the body and the mental state of people goes through certain changes. That's it. That's all that the textbooks in India teach children when they step into a brand-new phase of their lives: a phase of emotional instability where they need knowledge. In order to make suitable decisions based on their sexuality and to fulfil their new-fangled desires, they need legitimate sex education. We have now come to a point where people chose to cater to their sexual desires. Sex, for Indians, is treated as no more just a means of reproduction, a taboo since the 19th century. I (another teenager who has certain desires as an adolescent) was never provided with sex education— similar to most Indian teenagers today. Like almost everybody else, I attained my knowledge about sex and sexual urges through the web, and of course, through “hush-hush” discussions with peers. Naturally, the more something is hidden and concealed, the more exciting it seems. My parents were...

It's like the never ending spiral. Because guess what, fear is the biggest fear? I feel terrible, I just don't comprehend why. Me 4 months ago v/s me now isn't even me. (Wait, did that make sense?) HOLD ON, WHO AM I? All I know is, I need someone who would listen to me, who would just be there. Things have changed. I can't go to anyone anymore just out-of-the-blue bringing in my life's issues. It all happened so quick, part by part resulting in this jumbo anxiety , yes. Started off by me going through a bad phase for almost two months till the end of last month (what is this, my diagnosis slip?), continued by my foot buzzing like never before followed by my palms sweating terribly when I'm afraid of I-don't-know-what followed by my digging my nails into my palms when I get a panic attack, usually at school followed by a buttilion more things. I don't know what I'm really fearing, I just know what the possibilities are. So if someone would ask...

My right toe's been buzzing like there's a cell phone embedded in it on the vibration mode. Apparently, it's something called pallesthesia and happens due to over stressing yourself. I took a 3 hour nap to this piece of information. Funny, I was relieved to see the reason at least. And oh my, now I really want to go back to where I've migrated from. I can't stand this place, the people anymore. Waking up to nightmares isn't normal for me! Like this one, a few weeks ago: My physics tuition teacher comes in, to teach me music . I guess that's how much I miss my music classes. My mother, and my maternal grandfather are getting ready to welcome guests into the house (complicated, yet weird). They come in and my mother says "Sir just give us a few minutes before you start with the classes, a few guests have just come." I'm lying down on my bed. She sits in front of me and places her hand on my face thinking it's the bed, pressing m...

I've been quite late in even realizing the most basic things life has to offer me. Until a few weeks ago, a majority of the significant events were followed by me cribbing about them. However, I've been taught to get past all of it. As recent as last night, I screwed a great day up. Now there's this guilt building up (wow, is that new?) and that reminds me; I sometimes laugh over how I handle my bad-guilt-filled-days. So after I realized I screwed something up, well it was already bed time so I got under my blankets without even brushing my teeth or doing the rest, more like I wanted to escape from the gigantic waves of guilt gushing all the way down my heart. I woke up today finding myself to be at the worst state of mind (which is completely the opposite of what I was expecting) and now there's n o t h i n g I can do about it. Oh adrenaline, screw you. Nonetheless, I think I'm quite elated. Not for screwing up, but for myself, for the people around me and for ...