Confusion
To be very honest, I don't know what this feeling is- the feeling I'm feeling off lately. I feel angry, lonely, helpless and boredom adds on to all of it. You know the well known advice slash statement, "You learn from your mistakes?" Well, I rarely learn from mine. I've always successfully ruined my piece of mind by two things- keeping expectations and overthinking. Recently, I've been doing both together; double trouble time!
I, am fucked. Really. Sometimes I let my thoughts overpower me so much that I can't get myself to stability. I really wonder how I managed to study for my half yearly exams this time, amidst the flood of billions of things running in my mind. But whenever they did run in my mind, something that really got me to study was thinking about my better half. Every time a thought troubled me, I was say to myself, "he must be studying, you should too." Yes, that's weird. See, thing is, I'm very competitive. Doesn't matter whether I win the competition or not, but I'm always agile and looking at what my counterparts would be doing. He's the closest to me and I discuss studies with him more than with anybody else, hence I feel the need to be better than him. Just healthy competition, nothing bad, I guess.
That's been mid terms. Now, the expectations- we planned on going on a date, after the exams.
The day the exams got over, he told me he would be a little busy and things weren't okay at home. On hearing that, I gave up on the plan of reminding him about the date. You've got no idea how much I've thought about it ever since it's been part of our conversations. I imagined so much and now I'm just disappointed. Though I've got no right to. Maybe he remembers it and is really held up with stuff. But the pessimist mini-me goes on to say that if that was the case, he would have told me he wouldn't make it ,with an explanation. He hasn't mentioned it at all. We haven't talked much! And I don't know why. Another plan with my friends got cancelled, so all over I'm really upset. Plans get cancelled every time, but I guess I really wanted these two outings to happen- I'm the party girl. Or was, at least.
Not just this, I feel terrible at home too. Nothing in the past 5 months has looked like I'll make it to a good college. And my parents know me well, so without even me telling them they've figured out I screwed my mid term exams. So they're just not happy with me giving myself a 2-day no-study gap. It's been a series of ugly fights.
I've given up on the idea of self-care,I don't even know what that means anymore. I feel sick. I am sick. I can't stop thinking about him. Therefore I just go to our old texts and feel happy about it. Everyone does that, you know? Not looking at old texts, but going into a different arena as to escape from the ongoing adversities. I've been thinking about my home and old friends more than I usually do, and I know why- escapism. It seems like the easiest thing to do, right?
All this, all of this, I've been thinking about. And it's clear that this is nothing but overthinking. I want to be better, I want to get out of this black hole. However, I'm not even trying.
I, am fucked. Really. Sometimes I let my thoughts overpower me so much that I can't get myself to stability. I really wonder how I managed to study for my half yearly exams this time, amidst the flood of billions of things running in my mind. But whenever they did run in my mind, something that really got me to study was thinking about my better half. Every time a thought troubled me, I was say to myself, "he must be studying, you should too." Yes, that's weird. See, thing is, I'm very competitive. Doesn't matter whether I win the competition or not, but I'm always agile and looking at what my counterparts would be doing. He's the closest to me and I discuss studies with him more than with anybody else, hence I feel the need to be better than him. Just healthy competition, nothing bad, I guess.
That's been mid terms. Now, the expectations- we planned on going on a date, after the exams.
The day the exams got over, he told me he would be a little busy and things weren't okay at home. On hearing that, I gave up on the plan of reminding him about the date. You've got no idea how much I've thought about it ever since it's been part of our conversations. I imagined so much and now I'm just disappointed. Though I've got no right to. Maybe he remembers it and is really held up with stuff. But the pessimist mini-me goes on to say that if that was the case, he would have told me he wouldn't make it ,with an explanation. He hasn't mentioned it at all. We haven't talked much! And I don't know why. Another plan with my friends got cancelled, so all over I'm really upset. Plans get cancelled every time, but I guess I really wanted these two outings to happen- I'm the party girl. Or was, at least.
Not just this, I feel terrible at home too. Nothing in the past 5 months has looked like I'll make it to a good college. And my parents know me well, so without even me telling them they've figured out I screwed my mid term exams. So they're just not happy with me giving myself a 2-day no-study gap. It's been a series of ugly fights.
I've given up on the idea of self-care,I don't even know what that means anymore. I feel sick. I am sick. I can't stop thinking about him. Therefore I just go to our old texts and feel happy about it. Everyone does that, you know? Not looking at old texts, but going into a different arena as to escape from the ongoing adversities. I've been thinking about my home and old friends more than I usually do, and I know why- escapism. It seems like the easiest thing to do, right?
All this, all of this, I've been thinking about. And it's clear that this is nothing but overthinking. I want to be better, I want to get out of this black hole. However, I'm not even trying.
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